A Guide To Men You Will Meet At A Gaa Match

The beer farter
Lifts the leg every so often to extrude a porter fart and is not embarrassed about it one bit. Honed his skills for years on the Junior B team farting beside the big full back in the hope that it might keep him a few yards away.

The pseudo statistician
One who has the match programme and ticks off the scorers of every point and goal. Likes to give everyone within earshot the impression that he might know more than everyone else what’s going on.

The sneaky intruder
Sneaks through the gate or over the nearest low part of the wall to avoid paying at the gate. Then gives out about the GAA being greedy. Often seen with the ear pressed up to the wall of the dressing room to get the low-down on the half time rant.

The lecherous leerer
Spends half the match leering at the young ones half his age who are walking in and out along the bottom of the stand. Doesn’t worry that it’s distracting him from the match. Nearest he will ever get to a ‘fine young one’.

The toothless wonder
Picked up this badge of honour when he was flakin’ another lad from the next parish in a Junior C final. Can be noticed when he opens his mouth to belch or the rare time he might smile. Wouldn’t get the gob fixed 'cause he thinks he is God’s gift to women anyway. Hadn’t paid the membership for the club anyway to cover Insurances. Then he wonders why the nice looking women follow the rugby.

The timber merchant
Isn’t happy unless he is impressing everyone about how he is giving timber and schelping around the place. Likes to whack sliothars against the wall or stand during the match. Oblivious to the fact that he is causing a nuisance to other spectators. Often qualifies as a Toothless Wonder.

The Summer supporters
Appear in their droves for the big championship match, scullin' cans of Clonmel Champagne on the terrace, directing insults at the nearest opposing supporter about the night-time profession of his mother and his county's track record in the War of in Independence, and then, noticing the pitch for the first time, roaring for some player who actually retired three years ago to flake the full-back...

The radio guy
Head bowed down, a hand up to the ear and a sideways look, he interrupts debates amongst supporters and answers hanging questions with information garnered from Brian Carty or Míchéal Ó Muircheartaigh."No, it was a free alright, they said it on the radio""It was Joe Sheridan who got the goal but they're saying it should have been disallowed" Forever ruining the whodunit element of GAA matches.

The ex-county player
Usually found in pair of chinos, Hilfiger shirt and sweater and a ski jacket (he was on a ski trip once with the county team). Refuses to say anything to anyone in the crowd, apart from his brother who is at the game with him. After the game will make one or two comments which tend to sum everything up perfectly.

The ex-county minor/under 21/intermediate panellist
Usually found in the tracksuit bottoms that he got from the county. Has a groin or hamstring injury so can’t play a lot of games. He tends to have 5 or 6 local 'lads' with him at each game.

The Johnny come /leave late/early
Tends to arrive ten minutes late as he was hunting cattle. Usually covered in shite and wears two jackets and a hat. Leaves ten minutes early to go milking. Always parks the tractor/VW Jetta right at the gate. It’s OK, though, as he is leaving early.

The bollox
Spends the whole game abusing the ref. Likely to make comments like ‘About f^^kin time ref, ya bolloxs’ or “Ahhh will you f^^k off ref, that was no free”. Has great time for the ex-county player, but no time for the tracksuit wearing bolloxs who won’t tog out. No one will dare confront him about the abuse he gives the ref and he tends to swallow about seven or eight pints after the game before heading off to a funeral or a night out with his wife and her friends.

The bollox # 2
Roars abuse at every player on his own team-"That's fcuking brutal Dan!!!" and "For fcuks sake will ya take x off he's fcuking useless" while every other supporter around him gets uncomfortable and glances at each other knowingly. His son looking embarrassed and trying to tell him to relax. Then does the loudest celebration when said player wins the game for ya as he feels "It means more to me".

Nuckser/Gally/Gruntsy Boy
The joke of the gang. Sound enough fella sober but not the smartest. Hasn't had a jockey in fourteen years. Pissed out of his mind an hour before throw in with curry all over his jersey. The lads found this hilarious when they were seventeen but not so much anymore. Asleep by seven o’clock in the pub. Wakes up at half past nine to get the score of the game he attended on ‘The Sunday Game’.

The dropped player’s relation or drinking buddy
Stands on the bank saying nothing much apart from the odd grunt when the player that their drinking buddy or relation was dropped for makes a mistake while secretly praying that the team gets a hiding followed by a night drinking in the local telling all and sundry that he loves the Club too much to see the manager ruin the team like he has been.

The bitter ex player
Loves the Club but secretly would rather they don’t win as much as they did during his time or if they do tells all and sundry that it was a lot harder in his day and they style of football/hurling isn’t as good

The ‘Coax me’ player
Was a decent player underage but is in reality a waster. Turns up and club matches to have his ego massaged by club members and fans telling him "Jaysus ye should go back at it. They could do with ya" when in reality he doesn’t give a shit about the Club or team and knows he can’t actually handle playing at adult level for the club. 

The bitter club man
The rising young star from his own club was on the panel at the start of the year but then was left off the panel to focus on the under-21's. The Bitter Club Man never accepted that and spends the entire championship campaign telling all and sundry that ‘his neighbour Alan’ should be on this team. Even after winning the provincial final, he still won't accept the manager may have been right: ‘Shur Alan would have cleaned that corner back out’. Really comes into his own when his county are eventually beaten in the championship.

The cider Yob
Will be found on the terrace on the first day of the championship - his first game of the year. He's out ‘with all the boys’. Will be wearing the replica jersey from five years ago and at least two headbands (if not more). Straw hat with a headband of his county also worn at times. If there's a minute’s silence he'll inevitably roar out ‘Come on Tipp/Cork/Waterford/Limerick to f**k’ and win kudos from ‘The lads’. If his team are beaten he'll be disappointed for all of ten seconds before he says ‘We'll get a bag of cans for the train home.’

Source: An Fear Rua