A Guide To Women You Will Meet At A Gaa Match

The rising star’s mother
A foxy looking woman in her early 40’s. Usually wears a variation of a beret with matching scarf. Tight jeans tucked into her boots. Often a first or second cousin of an ex-county player. All the young lads are eyeing her up.

The Camogie player
Built like a peat briquette and hair like Michael Bolton. She is raring to get out on the field for some pulling and dragging. Either a daughter or a niece of a strong farmer.

The long suffering wife
Married to a guy who goes to every match, funeral, and race meeting. She had no interest at first, but after decades of watching matches has a reluctant encyclopaedic knowledge of local GAA. Her dream is a girls’ holiday to Marbella where she can get drunk and be rogered senseless by Manuel. In the meantime, she has to put up with Padraig and his BO. 

The dentist’s wife
Has a son playing corner forward. He is the only reason she is there, suffering serious status panic. Can't wait for son to get to secondary school so he can be sent off the Glenstal, Cistercian Roscrea, or someplace etc where you'd meet a much better class of person. Hopes Johnny doesn't get nits playing with the others - who are 'lovely' but not People Like Us (PLU). Talks to no-one but is polite to all and sundry. Leaves early.

The lunatic
Mary is the essence of calm normally, running the local flower shop. However, on the sideline - especially if her son is playing - she turns into a modern Messalina. Roars abuse - most of it actionable - at the ref, opposition, mentors, own side, opposition. Son is mortified by her. Other spectators give her a wide berth. If she was in Afghanistan, she'd be head torturer for a local tribe. Scary.

The bored daughter
No interest in being there but wouldn't mind a repeat of the fumble she had with the corner forward last Saturday night. Has to go to the match because she won't be left home alone after the episode with the vodka. Sends 124 texts during a 60 minute match. 

The county star's wife (with buggy) 
Standing on the sideline watching a Junior B relegation playoff wasn't what she signed up for. No more nights in the Burlington and free holidays since the kid arrived and Jamesie left the county panel. This is the extent of her social life. 

The MILF pack
Usually seen in force at U14-U16 championship matches. They arrange themselves as a group according to the quality of their son's football. Will have been County Star's Wife and Bored Teenagers in the past and at least some of them will graduate to Lunatics and Long Suffering Wives. They would sooner miss their daughter’s wedding that the match. 

The WAG Pack #1: high visibility models
Wives and girlfriends of fringe county panellists, gym bunny wing forwards with over developed thighs/ pecs and local Lotharios. Travel in groups no smaller than six. Uniform wearers of sunglasses and inappropriate footwear/ UGG boots. Share love of fake tan/ bronzing with their male partners. Always accompanied by one or two slightly less attractive friends who are unattached but display same uniform. Were ‘popular’ girls back in their convent days. Wearing partner’s county final hoodie in case that bitch he shifted from Ballymac is at the match. ‘Conspicuous’ is more than just the name of their perfume....

The WAG Pack #2: Low vis. model
Wives and girlfriends of the quiet but effective corner back/ forward or the grafter midfielder who just gets the job done. Genuinely care that the team wins. May have a brother on the panel. Travel in a pack of diverse junior / senior WAGS who are friends since childhood. Their husbands and boyfriends are already involved in training underage sides. Wearing partner’s waterproof county final jacket because it is the only rain coat they have. Hopes that they don’t have to talk him out of retirement again if they are beaten...

Couple #1: Retired showman and Wag Pack #1 Wife
He was the star of the team in the late 90's. She followed him gamely with the girls. Other than the odd junior game he hasn’t been involved much since he threw his hand at senior but young Donnacha is going well with the U-14s so might get to take over the minors in a year or two. Both have kept up the oul tan and sun glasses routine. 

Couple # 2: Retired Work Horse and Wag Pack #2 Wife
Nearly missed the start of the game because he was at the U-14 game twenty miles away. Hopes to train the minors in a few years but will likely have to defer to someone with a more substantial playing record. Still togging out for the juniors at thirty-six years of age. Wife constantly gives out about hours spent at the field but still has the water bottles filled when he is going out the door to help do the line for senior games.

Source: An Fear Rua